OK, I'm officially having a very rough day and I'm not handling this very well.Â If you don't like attending pity parties, then you might want to skip this post!
It's day 11, and I never thought we'd still be here, let alone seemingly so far from going home!Â Esther has made little to no progress today, and the pediatrician on duty is about as sensitive as a rock.
She's doing about the same at every feed - bottle for around 20 - 25 cc's (sometimes less), then tube feeding for the rest.Â I've been running behind on milkÂ production now that's she's taking in 65 cc's per feeding, so we've had to add anywhere from 40 - 10 cc's of formula to each feeding - while this isn't the end of the world, I do feel like I'm under pressure to get enough milk for her and I think this is taking it's toll on me.
The pediatrician seems to delight in finding things wrong with Esther that would prevent her from going home - it seems to actually make him happy!Â The nurse and I were talking with him about how sensitive she is to position - if she's held correctly or positioned correctly in bed, her oxygen levels are wonderful, but if placed on her tummy or her back isn't straight, she can't breath well and her oxygen level goes down - sometimes really fast.Â He turned to me with a big smile (like I knew there was something I could find to rule out her going home anytime soon) and says to me "she'll never go home with a pulse-ox" (a pulse-ox is a light that shines through the foot or hand and registers her pulse and her oxygen level) and then something about how difficult they are to use/read/manage.Â He even patted me on the back like he was congratulating me!Â I was speachless - I'm thinking "what do you mean 'she'll never go home' - that is the most insensitive words a doctor could ever say to a mom - even if he did qualify it.Â He didn't even follow up with any reasurrance of any kind - just waltzed out of our little cubicle and started his report on Esther, while I sit here trying to feed her and keep my sanity.
You know, I have eyes in my head, I've mothered 10 children and none of them have died on my watch - I have some idea of when my baby is in distress!Â You know, technology is only so good - so many times that readout has said she's in serious stress, while she is laying in my arms, perfectly pink, breathing regularly, and is in no way in any stress - nothing replaces human observation or mother's intuition!
I just feel so down right now - I have only had one visit today from our pastor, and that was wonderful - but I feel so alone!Â It's been days since I've had any friends come to visit and I'm just feeling so out of touch with reality.
I haven't spent more than a few minutesÂ per day with my husband in over a week, haven't darkened the door of my home in 8 days, haven't slept more than 4 hours at any given day in about 7 months, and I'm not supposed to use the phone in the nursery.
Today we started trying to do some skin to skin with Esther to help my hormones, but she just doesn't do well in any position the enables skin to skin - basically it's nearly impossible for me to cuddle with her!
If you waded through my misery here, please pray the God will lift my spirits, give me the grace to continue on here.Â I've been trying so hard to not look past today, to just concentrate on doing what I need to do for Esther, but right now I feel like there is no end in site and I'm no sure how much longer I can continue to spent 24/7 here with Esther, but leaving her for any length of time is like tearing my heart out.Â I feel so divided between my husband, children, home and business and spending time here with Esther when she seemingly needs me so much. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Ok, one minute at a time - feed Esther, cuddle as much as possible with Esther, pump for Esther, eat for Esther, sleep for Esther, and continue to be there for my family via phone calls.Â May God give me the grace to continue this as long as necesary, yet I pray that God will miraculously renew Esther's strength so she can breath deeply,Â drink her whole feeds without the tube, and tolerate some real cuddling with her mommy!