I tend to hold things in and put on a good front - not let anyone know I'm hurting - it's just to painful to face up to your pain sometimes.Â It reminds me of the song Twila Paris from a long time ago:
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
This song has been going through my head all evening - this is so where/who I am.
It also was so helpful to get in touch with my dear husband as I would have had trouble putting my thoughts and emotions into words coherently.Â I've been crying out to God most of the evening, and He has orchestrated some really special things tonight to help settle my soul.
I was able to have a good talk with some of the nurses tonight, and that was really good for me - we didn't really talk about Esther's care much, just it was good to talk with them about anything at all - you know, human contact!
One things that made my day was the surprising help from the receptionist at my chiropractor, Geri - yesterday she brought me some travel neck pillows because I mentioned that when I am pumping, I get a sore neck as I can't rest my head - she said she lived near the hospital and to call me if I wasn't able to get mine from home - I didn't call her (I didn't get mine either) but she showed up with two pillows for me!Â And today when I was at the chiropractors, she said that if I ever needed anything, to just give her a call - so when I wasn't able to get the herbs I needed, and it looked like I'd not be able to get them until tomorrow, I called her and she was more than willing to go and get them for me and bring them to me!Â What a blessing!
Also, I had an unexpected visit from one of my newest seamstresses - and she spoiled me with a wonderful salad (my favorite kind - chef salad), some delicious looking soup and other treats for me - it was so thoughtful!Â I'm looking forward to some middle of the night good eating thanks to Kaisha!
I also had a bunch of voice mail (I left my phone where I couldn't answer it for a while), and knew that my friends and family are concerned about me and praying for me.Â I also checked for comments here and was so encouraged by the kind and caring people who posted tonight.
I feel like I've gotten a group hug - a great way to end a difficult and trying day.